The New Break-Up Math

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Dating apps have made it easy to find a mate (or at least a hook-up) in the time it takes to swipe right. (Results definitely not guaranteed!) Social media has made it oh-so tempting to look up the one who got away and float the ‘just thinking of you’ trial balloon.

But if technology has made finding people easier, it’s made forgetting about them when it doesn’t work out incredibly difficult. Often it takes more willpower than a stint on The Biggest Loser to keep from cyber-stalking an ex.

In a recent Modern Love column for the New York Times, The Entire Netflix Story of Us, Tonya Malinowski writes that the pain of her break-up was made worse because she could not stop herself from keeping track of what her ex was screening (the curse of a shared password.) In The Facebook Break-Up, Penelope Green writes that the tech behometh is creating a “Compassion Squad” to make romantic ruptures easier.

We’re certainly not there yet, as Jyst users regularly attest. One user wrote: “Can’t stop checking up on my and his new gf on fb. How do you break the cycle?” Another posted: “Help! Can’t stop checking my ex’s Facebook and it gets me upset each time. I know it’s a pathetic. It’s a problem I can’t break.”

For Malonowski, the pain overwhelmed the curiosity of what her ex was up to and she eventually changed her Netflix password. For the rest of us (admit it, you’ve cyber-stalked an ex at least once) it’s not always so easy.

The Jyst: The irony of romance in the tech age is that finding someone can be faster than ever and getting over them can take longer than ever. What’s worked for you???

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Refinery29: It’s Love!

We couldn’t be more excited by the rave in Refinery29! 

I Tried A Relationship Coaching App
Jyst
: The Dating Decoder

First, I tried Jyst, which I came across by word of mouth. Jyst is a crowdsourced, anonymous dating advice app made for and by women. It’s helpful, empowering, and fun to use (whether you’re in a serious relationship, casually dating, or closed for business).
Jyst didn’t ask me to connect with Facebook — or for any personal information, for that matter. The app is grounded in anonymity. When you open it, the app lists different types of questions. After you click on one, it shows you the newest questions people have, along with the option to check out the most popular queries (i.e. the ones that have received the most feedback). And of course, you can post your own questions, too.

I hate to admit it, but I felt this awesome sense of superiority when handing out (solicited) advice. It was empowering thinking I knew the answers to strangers’ relationship problems. How could these women be asking questions that I could answer without thinking twice? If your partner cheated on you multiple times, sorry, but that’s a deal-breaker. Isn’t that obvious? Or is it just obvious to me, since my own emotions aren’t on the line?

But in posing my own questions, my feelings from before — knowing in my core that I was helping someone with a seemingly obvious relationship problem — also helped. I found myself in what truly felt like a safe space. I could anonymously seek out advice, and also give out my own to others. Not only did I find it personally helpful, but I also felt good about — and confident in — my responses to a strangers’ dating dilemma.

by Bianca Heyward

The Surprising Thing Women Still Fear

A growing number of online dating sites are attempting to give women more control over what has historically been a man’s game: Making the first move. The shift is apparant IRL as well – with women encouraging each other to ‘go for what you want.’  Nevertheless, when, how, and if to ask a guy out is the most common question on Jyst this week.

From texting to snapchatting to  friending, there are more ways than ever to make the first move. But changing deeply ingrained behavior and expectations can be fraught, according to Jyst users. The proliferation of ways to communicate had made it both easier to reach out (no face time!) and more confusing. Some posts:  “I really want to message him but I don’t know if that’s weird.”  “We’ve been hanging out for a while now. Is it okay for me to suggest plans?” “Can girls DM guys?”

The Jyst community always answers Yes, it’s equal time.  But the “Can I?” questions keep coming.

The Jyst: It is apparantly easier for many women to ask for a raise than to ask a guy out. Do you think this will ever change?

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To t-EX-t or Not to t-EX-t

The most popular questions on Jyst this week were about exes.  (Holiday-driven nostalgia? New Year’s loneliness? We think it’s a mix of both.)  “In a moment of weakness I texted my ex.”  “I’ve been thinking about my ex a lot. Could the new year be a fresh start for our relationship?”  “My ex keeps contacting me every few days. He claims he wants to get back together but he has kissed other girls.”The question inherent in each: What should I do? Did I miss out on something or should I move on?

There’s not a woman alive, at least not anyone we know, that hasn’t had that same moment of weakness, wondering about the What Ifs. But as one Jyst-er wrote, “There’s a reason you broke up.” Is there ever a second chance? Of course.  But more often than not, the t-EX-t is a shot in the dark and it can be hard to look ahead.  In fact, many of the questions on Jyst about ex-es are posted by women who are turning to each other to be told what they already know in their hearts.  The real lesson? Sometimes we just need to know we are not alone and hear an objective opinion. That’s where friends, online or off, come in.

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