5 Things Never to Say on a First Date

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You’ve gotten through the first few moments, the drink orders, the self-conscious chit-chat about the weather. An awkward silence ensues. Whether you want to score a second date or can’t wait to beat a hasty exit, here are five things that you should avoid saying at all costs:

  1. Don’t worry, it’s not contagious.
  1. That’s my ex sitting over by the bar, but no worries he likes checking out all my dates.
  1. You remind me of my father/mother. (That first kiss? Forget about it.)
  1. My job sucks because there’s a guy in my department who is definitely out to get me. It started six months ago. Let me give you ALL the details. (Tip: No one wants to hear about the intricacies of your job issues, especially when they don’t know the players.)
  1. I love you. (Because A. You can’t love someone you just met. B. It will scare the bejeezus and of them.)
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5 Signs You Need A Tinder Break

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Everyone says dating is numbers game, right? Meet enough people and you’re sure to find The One. But racking up numbers is a sure way to end up with Tinder Burn Out. Here’s how to know when to give it a rest:

  1. You can’t remember if someone looks familiar because their face keeps popping up in your feed or if you went on a date with them last year
  2.  You are considering a Tinder Date with someone who lives a continent away, because, well, the closer pool is kinda lame
  3. You check your phone when the cat wakes you up at 3 a.m. and briefly consider answering three randos
  4. You see your boss on Tinder. And you actually think about it.
  5. You go on four dates and really like them, but keep swiping anyway because your    Tinder-addicted friends have convinced you that courtship is dead. Step away from the phone. Because, seriously, isn’t the whole point to get off it to begin with?

The Conversation Women Are Having In Secret

Over the past few years, much of the debate about women’s lives has centered on our roles in the workplace. We have been coached to Lean In, assume the Power Pose and balance career and family in Unfinished Business. While the approaches differ, they share one essential call to action: Women must fight for greater acceptance, equality and leadership roles in our chosen careers.

With the rise of Tinder and the hook-up culture, much has also been written about how women are owning their sexuality in a similarly independent manner. But when it comes to actual romance, many women appear far more conflicted. (Yes, this is a big generalization, to say nothing of assuming hetero-normative roles. For the sake of argument, work with me here.) The truth is, we are not there yet — and many women are struggling not only with their own behavior but conflicting messages from men.

I co-founded Jyst, the crowd-sourced anonymous relationship advice app, to give women a place to open up about their lives in a supportive environment where we can share, ask, advise and help each other out without judgment when it comes to some of our most intimate concerns. One of the biggest surprises has been how many women struggle to break free of traditional roles, even self-proclaimed feminists. A few representative questions: “I’ve been dating this guy for the past four months, but he hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend yet. Do I wait or ask him?” “Does it ever work out to ask a guy out first?” The answers are split between ‘You go, girl’ pep talks, admissions of similar insecurities, and shared experiences that men do not always react positively when women take the initiative. For women who pride themselves on being assertive in other areas of their lives, this is an uncomfortable dialog to have in broad daylight.

While issues of women’s rights in the workplace and controlling our own health must be central, it is also time to have a more open discussion about the stereotypical roles we continue to play in relationships. After all, the personal truly is political — and the political is more personal than ever. (Just ask Hillary.) The dialog must include men as well as women for we are all participants and we will all be the beneficiaries of change. Relationships are clearly in a state of flux, and if we are to come out of it in a better place, it’s time to be honest about our desires, confusion and vulnerabilities. As with all matters of the heart, that may just be the hardest thing of all.

Dating Coach Answers All!

At Jyst, we are all about women helping each out. But let’s admit it, sometimes there’s nothing like getting a guy’s POV. We asked celeb dating expert Evan Marc Katz to answer a few questions on Jyst. He’s a whizz at interpreting men and dating for us! Be sure to follow him for more great dating tips at @evanmarckatz.

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I went on a 1st date & liked him but we have really big religious differences. Should I go out with him again or move on?

I’m a Jewish atheist. My wife is a Catholic who believes in God. Neither of us is “religious.” Our common religion is respect. The question is whether you can respect each other in spite of your different backgrounds.

 My boyfriend and I don’t fight that much but when we do he always get sick of talking about the issue before we really resolve anything or he wants me to bring it up another time. But when things are good, I don’t want to raise issues. What should I do?

It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it. Instead of having a “talk,” tell him something he’s doing inadvertently makes you feel bad. Then offer a solution he can buy into. A good boyfriend doesn’t want you to be sad.

My boyfriend is choosing between a job offer in my city and another country. We haven’t been together that long and I’m not sure we’d survive long distance. I feel like he’s choosing between being with me or not. Am I wrong?

You’re only wrong for taking this personally. If the roles were reversed, you’d want the freedom to do what was right for you, which may or may not be right for him. Back off and let him choose.

Guy I dated 5 years cheated on me and spent a year accusing me through his mom of harassing the new girl (it’s not true). They broke up and now strangely, I still care about him over a year later. Should I reach out to him?

No. (And if that answer wasn’t long enough: Noooooooooooooooooo!)

Started dating again (dated a few years back) and told him I wanted it to be exclusive before intimacy which he agreed to. But he has a hard time expressing his emotions/feelings from. I need communication and he has a huge wall. Do I stay or do I go?

It’s not your job to climb men’s walls. It’s your job to find a man with no walls, healthy communication, and makes you feel safe, heard and understood. If you don’t have that, it’s over.

 

 

Forgive, Forget or Flame Out?

They cheated. Or maybe they cheated. They want forgiveness. They want you to trust them again. Should you forgive, forget or flame out? As the great Beyoncé asks, “What’s worse, looking crazy or jealous?” (What’s best: Creating killer music. But that’s another story.)

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The truth is, there is no single right answer when it comes to forgiving betrayal. Some people work through it. Some can’t. The only universality is that it hurts like hell – and living in a fog of suspicion is toxic.

One Jyst user posted: “I found my husband had been calling and texting a woman from work.  I confronted him and he promised to stop but I still get the urge to put a spying app on his phone. Is that bad?” Once again, we turn to the Bible of Bey (yeah, we’ll admit it, we’re obsessed).  “You can taste dishonesty, it’s all over your breath as you pass it off so cavalier…My lonely ear/Pressed against the walls of your world.”

Other a Jysters wonder how to trust  again after  their SO admits to an affair and begs forgiveness. Is two years of a relationship worth one lapse? Is ten? The math is different for everyone.

The Jyst: Users all agree that if you are involved with a chronic cheater, you should leave. Immediately. But decisions are split (life and love are complicated, after all) when it comes to a single lapse. What do you think?  Let us know on Jyst.