Is It Easier to Ask for a Raise or a Date?

images.jpeg

Over the past few years, much of the debate about women’s lives has centered on our roles in the workplace. We have been coached to Lean In, assume the Power Pose and balance career and family in Unfinished Business. While the approaches differ, they share a commitment to one essential call to action: Women must continue to fight for greater equality and leadership roles in our chosen careers.

With the rise of Tinder and the hook-up culture, much has also been written about how women are owning their sexuality in a similarly independent and assertive manner. But, when it comes to actual romance, particularly courtship (remember, courtship???) many women are far more conflicted, if not downright confused. (Yes, this is a big generalization, to say nothing of assuming hetero-normative roles. For the sake of argument, work with me here.) When women are honest with each other, they admit they are not nearly as secure in expressing their needs and expectations in romantic relationships as they are increasingly on the job front. Somehow asking for a raise became easier than asking for a date. Here are some questions from Jyst: “I’ve been dating this guy for the past four months, but he hasn’t asked me to be his girlfriend yet. Do I wait or ask him?” “Ladies, do you text your boyfriend first?”

While the national conversation rightly centers on equality in the workplace where there is still so much progress to be made, it is also time to have a more open discussion about the stereotypical roles we continue to play in relationships. The dialog must include men as well as women for we are all participants and we will all be the beneficiaries of change. It’s time to be honest about our desires, confusion and vulnerabilities. Isn’t that what the best relationships are based on?

The Truth About Bumble?

Can we talk honestly about Bumble?  We love it. It puts the power in women’s hands, it has a lot of great guys on it  and the 24-hour deadline means you’re not constantly waiting for someone who is never going to come through.

images

In Refinery29’s piece,  7 Insider Tips From a Dating-App Employee, Madeline Buxton  shares some great advice how to win at Bumble. She adds,  “The feedback that I’ve gotten from guys is that the best part of the app is that since the girl makes the first move, they don’t have to worry that she isn’t interested in them. They know she’s interested.”

But here’s the thing: That’s not what we’re picking up on the ground. A lot of women we hear from are ending up confused and disappointed.  “Guys just don’t write back the way they do on other dating apps,” one user told us.  Her suspicion: Guys like a chase and Bumble mitigates that. No, that’s not PC but we’re hearing it from a number of women. (The way we’d like it to be? Not so much. But happening? Yeah.)

Olympian Ryan Lochte is not a typical man (understatement of the year!) but here’s what he told Eonline, after admitting he uses Tinder. “Well, one, with Bumble the girl always has to make the first [move], and I don’t really like that. I don’t think that’s a woman job.”  Great swimmer, killer bod, bad attitude.  How retro can you go? But it’s out there

At Jyst, we’re all about sharing experiences openly and honestly, even when we they are not how we’d prefer them to be.

We’re curious. What are your experiences with Bumble?  Tell us Jyst.

 

 

Have you seen a ghost???

Kimberly Seltzer,  America’s top dating makeover coach, is answering the first question posted on Jyst every morning this week. Here’s Tuesday’s Q&A about guys who do a fade out. (C’mon admit it, it happens!) Be sure to check out more of Kimberly’s dating wisdom in How to Create Attraction and ask her your toughest relationship questions on Jyst.

Q.  He was really into me for a couple of months, texting me during the day and making time to see each other on weekends.  Month 4, it has all slowed down. He responds to texts a day later and it’s hard to get dates in. Is he done?
A. Is he ghosting or slowly fading away?  Hard to tell but there are usually 3 reasons why men disappear or taper off. 1.  He’s just not into you 2. There is someone else 3.  He’s under stress.  Whatever the reason the answer is the same.  Don’t chase and let him come to you.  If he doesn’t come around he probably isn’t right for YOU.

Who should pay on the 1st date?

All this week, America’s top dating makeover coach, Kimberly Seltzer, is answering the first question posted every morning on Jyst. Here’s Monday’s Q&A about picking up the check (or not!) on a first date .  Agree? Disagree? Vote on Jyst and post your questions for Kimberly all week.  Be sure to check out more of Kimberly’s dating wisdom in How to Create Attraction.

Q: I always offer to split the check on the 1st date but don’t expect men to accept. After how many dates should I chip in? Am I being old-fashioned?

A. You are NOT being old fashioned.  If you don’t expect the man to pay, then don’t offer!  Men often tell me that it sends a message that you are not into them or that you are “friend zoning” them. If you like him and you see it going somewhere, it is nice to offer after you have been on a few dates.  There is no magic number on how many dates that is.  – Kimberly

IMG_0446

Best Beach Reads

One of the joys of summer it diving into a real page turner.  This year, three of the new books we are most excited to read are filled with suspense – and have strong women at the center.
51+4Kx79MyL

Truly, Madly, Guilty
Liane Morality
Just in time for the beach comes the latest offering from the bestselling author of The Husband’s Secret. When a barbecue goes seriously, Moriarity brings her signature sharp eye and humor to the suspense that follows. “Captivating, suspenseful…tantalizing…Moriarty spins a vivid tale about three couples grappling with guilt as they find their way through the trials of marriage, parenting and friendship.” ―People Magazine

 

You Will Know Me   41kqzQIBlZL._SX330_BO1,204,203,200_
Megan Abbott
The mystery writer’s latest is just out this week and is high on our must-read list. “Almost unbearably tense, chilling and addictive, You Will Know Me deftly transports the reader to the hyper-competitive arena of gymnastics where the dreams and aspirations of not just families but entire communities rest on the slender shoulders of one teenage girl. Exceptional.”―Paula Hawkins, author of The Girl on the Train

51jlGOk3p3L._SX328_BO1,204,203,200_Wilde Lake
Laura Lippman
This modern twist on To Kill a Mocking Bird is a legal thriller that will keep you on the edge of your beach chair. “Laura Lippman is one of my favorite writers. I cannot focus on anything else when I am reading one of her books. Her writing makes me wish I lived a sexier and more violent life.” — Mindy Kaling

 

What are you planning on reading this summer?

The Sounds of Summer

Event_2015_beach_party.jpg

Summer songs are like summer love – they make everything a little buzzier. Some make you want to dance (even if you’re alone in your room), some make you remember a moment, or person, from summers past. The best make your heart – and your feet – skip a beat.

We asked Jysters to share the songs that are doing it for them this summer. Here’s some of what we heard – and what we’ll be listening to:

Formation (Because, well, it’s Beyoncé, and you might as well just give in.)

Basketball (Lil Bow Wow. Back in the day before lost the Lil.)

Summertime (DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. A little nostalgia for Will Smith’s early days, much?)

Can’t Stop the Feeling (Justin Timberlake. C’mon, what’s summer without a little JT?!?)

Running Out of Moonlight (Randy Hauser.  Because we are ready to roll down the windows.)

Walking on Sunshine (Katrina and the Waves. We dare you not to get up move!)

The Jyst:  Wanna know which song got the most votes? Go to Jyst to find out – and tell us what you’re listening to this summer.

When Love Hurts

Relationships are complicated and arguments, misunderstandings, happen. A lot. But when abuse comes into play, love gets dangerous.

heart-1463424_1920Lately the spotlight has been on celebrity relationships such as Amber Heard’s abuse accusations or Rihanna and Chris Brown’s (very) complicated situation that led to her asking for – and then rescinding her restraining order. Many of our Jysters are looking for guidance on when to set boundaries and manage their mixed emotions.

One Jyster wrote: “My boyfriend called me a cunt during an argument…I have a daughter and don’t want her to think it’s OK for a man to treat a woman like that.” This question got impassioned responses on Jyst with comments calling the man in question “misogynist” or stating, “Name-calling is disrespectful and abusive.”

Another Jyster mentioned she still had strong feelings for an ex that was physically abusive and had a restraining order against him. The supportive women of Jyst reminded her she deserved better and to seek internal closure from the relationship and move on.

The Jyst: Love is challenging but it shouldn’t hurt or demean. What is your experience with abusive situations? What’s your best advice?

If You Need Help: The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)